So as some of you may or may not know, this past Christmas season I received the news that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember exactly where I was when I received the news. I just finished work at Breakthrough and I got a text from my father asking me if it was a good time to call, I said yes. He was also going to 3-way my brother in.
He calls us and as soon as I heard the report I remember sitting down at the cafeteria table. My first thought was how bad was it? Is she doing ok? Should I go back home now and finish my year of service another year? These and so many more questions were running through my head.
All I could do was sit there and listen to my brother and father go back and forth. My mind was racing but my mouth had no words. This was in part due to the fact that I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. To be honest I still find it hard to believe that this has happened.
The hardest part, for me, is being 1,000 miles away while all of this is going down. This is the first time both my brother and I have been away from home. Part of me feels like we’ve abandoned her during this time. When I first moved to Chicago she was healthy and I was doing what was right for me. Now I just want to be around to help her out with whatever she needs. It’s hard because I can’t. Mom knows I didn’t abandon her and she still has all of my love and support. That said, it’s my mom and I just want her happy, healthy, safe and around for many more years. Put simply my mom is one of the most important people in my life.
I am an internal processor, this means I tend to keep to myself. I don’t easily let others in. The result is that most people do not know what’s going on inside.
Writing this has been therapeutic, in some ways I am putting my heart on the table. However there is still a significant part of me that is still closed thinking about and processing all of this. Not knowing what to say or think both to others and myself. While there is a smile is on my face, my heart is crying out in pain and agony. I feel mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. More often than not I feel alone. I am still trying to figure out how to really accept the love, concern and care from my friends, co-workers and family.